My Worst Habit #imustconfess
And here we are again…
I do still bite my nails. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to stop – it’s a lifelong habit.
I still tend to avoid making eye contact at times. But I’m more comfortable with this now as I know that I’m not all that bad. I make eye contact when it matters and, now I’m more aware of it, I’m actively trying to do better.
I must confess that taking the time to research and understand the importance of eye contact, particularly in those on the autism spectrum, has reassured me that I can (and do!) show attention in other ways. So I don’t see this in the same light as I did back in 2011 when I first owned up to this one.
I also have a habit of interrupting others at times. Again, I am more aware of this tendency now so I do this less, however, my excitability does get the better of me sometimes. But it rarely results in awkward social situations (well, none that I’m aware of anyway!)
So after two posts detailing my bad habits, it’s time to confess my worst habit.
Thinking over this one, I’ve come to the conclusion that my worst habit is not being able to sit still and relax.
My husband might point out that my worst habit may actually be the fact I don’t seem to hear everything that he says. However, after nearly 16 years of marriage, I think that sort of comes with most marriages… 😉
Actually, I have confessed before that I find it nearly impossible to relax and I do believe this is my worst habit.
I find it very hard to sit still. When I do sit down, it’s almost always with a laptop or my phone. Even before the advent of blogging and the internet, I would sit down and cross-stitch.
I always see things I need to do. There’s always housework, homework, cooking, washing, tidying and so many other things to claim my attention. So it’s not unusual for me to sit down only to get up again a minute later after I’ve seen something that needs to be put away or I’ve remembered something that I absolutely need to do right then and there.
I’ve never been able to sit still and watch TV or a movie. I used to read books but I haven’t been able to settle down to read a new book for years now. The last new book I read was The Hunger Games series.
I can’t just stop and take in my surroundings. My brain is always going, always thinking of what I need to do next. Always dwelling on my mental to-do list. Sitting still and doing nothing seems like such a waste to me.
Even worse, it makes me feel guilty when I do stop, because I feel the pressure of having so much to do. So relaxing, instead of making me feel better, just makes me feel worse. The urgency to keep going and make ground on all those tasks becomes overwhelming.
It doesn’t help that in those rare moments I have tried to slow down and attempted to overcome the guilt, all I seem to do is fall asleep. If I’m not doing something, my brain seems to think it’s okay to shutdown completely – there really is no middle ground.
However, since my brain meltdown, I know I need to try to fully relax and look after myself, even if it seems my very nature won’t allow it.
But, it’s not just my health and well being that’s being affected. It affects my relationships with my family too.
My husband just wants me to be able to sit still and enjoy time with him. He would love for me to be able to shut down and relax. But I find that really difficult to do.
If I just sit still and do nothing, particularly in the evening, I fall asleep.
And my poor kids would love nothing more than to have more of me in the present moment. They just want to play board games and enjoy video games and wander around in imaginary worlds with me. But I find it hard to stop, and when I do, I have been known to fall asleep on them.
See? Not being able to relax really is my worst habit.
What about you – what do you consider to be your worst habit?
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