I Must Confess…I’m scared
This post is for the Blog Exchange “blog like nobody’s reading” prompt. Which is ironic because I know people will read it as, after all, this is a blog linkup. Oh well, here goes nothing…
I’m scared of my father dying and leaving me. Things are not good and it looks like we will have to let go of him sooner rather than later. I’m devastated. I’m scared to see him so weak and emaciated and inert. I’m scared that he is no longer him. Glimpses of the spirit and the fun that once characterised him still take me by surprise at times. But mostly, when I look at him now, I see an elderly, sick, tired and confused man. That’s not how he would want to be and it breaks my heart to witness his rapid and relentless deterioration.
I’m scared of my grief. I’m grieving already and he is still here. What happens when the inevitable occurs? Will I grieve less or more? I have a feeling that all this extra grieving is just extra grieving and the worst is still to come. I’m scared of Mum’s grief too. She has stood rock solid through this. What happens next? Will I be strong enough to support her when she eventually gives into her pain?
I’m scared of all the necessary conversations we are having and will continue to have. I’m scared of the end. I’m scared of being fatherless.
I’m scared of Gilbert growing up and moving onto high school. We’re in a reasonably good place right now and I’m scared that, at the end of next year, we have to pack up, move on and start all over again. I’m scared that he will struggle moving from classroom to classroom. That he will have trouble navigating his way around the school grounds. That he will not have the skills to know what to take with him and when to take them. That he will be bullied and misunderstood.
I’m scared that I am nothing without a job. Nearly 9 months post-redundancy and I still don’t know what I want to do with myself. I want to do nothing and everything all at once. I am full of ideas but empty of ways to execute them and bring them to life. I call myself a writer yet, apart from blog posts, I haven’t completed a single draft.
I’m scared as I feel in limbo. We are waiting to see whether Nathan gets offered a teaching exchange overseas next year. Until we know for sure (and we may not know until September) we can’t make any firm plans or commitments. I’m scared as I fear I’m using this as another excuse not to commit to anything – first it was Dad’s illness, then our holiday and now this uncertainty. I’m scared that I’m clinging to any excuse to avoid making a decision and a commitment to my future.
I’m scared I don’t possess the courage to do anything. That I’m a fraud. That there’s nothing more than what you glimpse here.
I’m scared of turning 40 and being classed middle-aged. I’m scared that I’ve reached my peak and it will be all downhill from here.
I’m scared of running 5 kms. I’m still training when I can but there is a voice deep inside of me that insists that I cannot do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to break through the mental and physical barriers that most other runners manage to. I’m scared that I won’t ever be able to do it.
I’m scared because I apparently have it all yet I’m still not happy. I’m scared because I still don’t know what I want to do or who I want to be.
I’m scared I’m entering some sort of crazy mid-life crisis.
I’m scared of all these things and more. Yet, stupidly, I still remain hopeful that somehow I will get through this. I cling to the hope that the future will be better.
It has to be better – surely?
– I Must Confess is a link up that runs every Monday and remains live for the whole week.
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– Feel free to go with the prompt for the week or add your own confession, whatever suits.
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