I Must Confess…I’m scared

This post is for the Blog Exchange “blog like nobody’s reading” prompt. Which is ironic because I know people will read it as, after all, this is a blog linkup. Oh well, here goes nothing…

I’m scared.

I Must Confess...I'm Scared

I’m scared of my father dying and leaving me. Things are not good and it looks like we will have to let go of him sooner rather than later. I’m devastated. I’m scared to see him so weak and emaciated and inert. I’m scared that he is no longer him. Glimpses of the spirit and the fun that once characterised him still take me by surprise at times. But mostly, when I look at him now, I see an elderly, sick, tired and confused man. That’s not how he would want to be and it breaks my heart to witness his rapid and relentless deterioration.

I’m scared of my grief. I’m grieving already and he is still here. What happens when the inevitable occurs? Will I grieve less or more? I have a feeling that all this extra grieving is just extra grieving and the worst is still to come. I’m scared of Mum’s grief too. She has stood rock solid through this. What happens next? Will I be strong enough to support her when she eventually gives into her pain?

I’m scared of all the necessary conversations we are having and will continue to have. I’m scared of the end. I’m scared of being fatherless.

I’m scared of Gilbert growing up and moving onto high school. We’re in a reasonably good place right now and I’m scared that, at the end of next year, we have to pack up, move on and start all over again. I’m scared that he will struggle moving from classroom to classroom. That he will have trouble navigating his way around the school grounds. That he will not have the skills to know what to take with him and when to take them. That he will be bullied and misunderstood.

I’m scared that I am nothing without a job. Nearly 9 months post-redundancy and I still don’t know what I want to do with myself. I want to do nothing and everything all at once. I am full of ideas but empty of ways to execute them and bring them to life. I call myself a writer yet, apart from blog posts, I haven’t completed a single draft.

I’m scared as I feel in limbo. We are waiting to see whether Nathan gets offered a teaching exchange overseas next year. Until we know for sure (and we may not know until September) we can’t make any firm plans or commitments. I’m scared as I fear I’m using this as another excuse not to commit to anything – first it was Dad’s illness, then our holiday and now this uncertainty. I’m scared that I’m clinging to any excuse to avoid making a decision and a commitment to my future.

I’m scared I don’t possess the courage to do anything. That I’m a fraud. That there’s nothing more than what you glimpse here.

I’m scared of turning 40 and being classed middle-aged. I’m scared that I’ve reached my peak and it will be all downhill from here.

I’m scared of running 5 kms. I’m still training when I can but there is a voice deep inside of me that insists that I cannot do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to break through the mental and physical barriers that most other runners manage to. I’m scared that I won’t ever be able to do it.

I’m scared because I apparently have it all yet I’m still not happy. I’m scared because I still don’t know what I want to do or who I want to be.

I’m scared I’m entering some sort of crazy mid-life crisis.

I’m scared of all these things and more. Yet, stupidly, I still remain hopeful that somehow I will get through this. I cling to the hope that the future will be better.

It has to be better – surely?

 

The Rules…

I Must Confess

– I Must Confess is a link up that runs every Monday and remains live for the whole week.

– You can link up something old or new, we’re not fussy around here.

– Feel free to go with the prompt for the week or add your own confession, whatever suits.

– Please go forth and share the comment love – it is bloggy crack after all!

– We’re always open to suggestions for the weekly prompt!

 

Next week’s prompt – what’s the biggest lie you have ever told?


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55 Responses

  1. So sorry to hear about your dad. You have so much going on that is out of your control at the moment, it’s no wonder you are scared and overwhelmed. I can relate.

    Thanks for agreeing to host our Blog Exchange posts here. It just seemed like the perfect fit.

    I have two blog posts today. One introducing the link up and another where I’m actually blogging like there’s nobody reading because I couldn’t throw the challenge out and not come to the party myself. Could I?!

  2. The first two things are big, and I have no words of comfort, I’m afraid. But sending hugs your way – it’s a tough and horrible time of life.
    I will however deal with the fears about no job and below. (I’ve just submitted a post to Her Collective on it!) We need to question that little voice in our head, and not believe everything we think. Art Speigelman’s Dad in Maus, decided that not everyone would die in the camps, and thought there would be some survivors, so “Why not me?”. Everything from that moment forth he did to ensure his survival. So all you have to do is make your dreams happen. Why not you?
    (Please note, I’m not saying those that didn’t survive were somehow at fault, I just found that moment in the book very powerful)
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted..An embarrassing admission

  3. Dorothy says:

    Sometimes life sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’m 46 and I can tell you that life doesn’t end at 40. I was more scared of turning 25 than I was of 40. Nothing really has changed. I do get scared sometimes though when I think, “Is this all there is? This existing? Going nowhere fast?”. I hope things get better. You will be OK.
    Dorothy recently posted..I am Dorothy. Who are you?

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Dorothy – perspective is definitely what I need right now. I know things haven’t been easy for you lately too so I appreciate your thoughts. I hope things get better for you too x

  4. jess says:

    Thinking of you Kirsty, and thank you for being honest with the scary thoughts inside your head, that everyone has at some point. xx
    jess recently posted..The Friday Wrap 19.6.15

  5. Ness says:

    Oh man. I know some of what you’re going through. We are going through this with my mother-in-law, but I don’t blog about it because they are incredibly private people who would be HORRIFIED if I did. I know that I am never going to be ready to lose my parents. I don’t know what to say other than I’m thinking of you and your family.

    As far as worrying that all you are is what you see here, from my point of view what I say here is pretty freaking awesome. Look at what you’re doing raising kids with special needs and raising awareness while running your own business! Plus, it’s not so scary on the other side of 40. I’ve learnt some stuff about myself since turning 40 (such as I have Aspergers!) some of it good, some bad, but it’s all a part of growing as a person. I hope the process of writing all your fears out helps a little. Hugs. xo
    Ness recently posted..The Nessville Saga So Far

  6. Kate says:

    Oh Kirsty. I am so sorry for what you are going through with your father. I am scared of the exact same things at the moment, though we have a little more hope for my father’s recovery. Will be thinking of you.

    But with the big 4-0, Kirsty, I think you will find forty is pretty kind of wonderful. You’ll see. xx
    Kate recently posted..Symphony of my heart

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks for the positivity about turning 40. I think I would be looking forward to it if I didn’t have so many other things claiming my attention. You have to live in hope that things will get better so 40 has to be good, doesn’t it?

  7. Kirsty – I can relate to all the things you’re scared because I’m scared of them too (except I’m already 51 so 40 is YOUNG ok!!)! My Dad is 85 in November and he was really sick just over a year ago and we nearly lost him. He’s ok now but a lot frailer. I’m scared of what is ahead. Big hugs to you – doesn’t matter how old our parents are or how old we are – they are our Mum & Dad and the thought of losing them is unbearable! xoxo
    Min@WriteoftheMiddle recently posted..Mindful Monday: Move that body!

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Min. It’s not easy. Dad first went downhill with his health about 18 months ago and it’s been hard ever since but these last 6 months since his cancer diagnosis have been especially difficult. It hurts to see him so frail and ill. It hurts to see the strain it’s placing on Mum. It hurts to live 2 hours away and not able to be there all the time to help lift the burden. And it hurts knowing how it’s all going to end x

  8. Deborah says:

    Oh. My. God. That paragraph about the job and writing and blogging. That is me! I took my redundancy nearly 3 years ago and had some part-time work after about a year. I keep saying ‘I’m setting up my freelance writing business’ but I’m not pitching. I’ve sent a half a dozen emails to local businesses (to write for their websites) and none responded and pitched 1-2 articles to a local paper and only last week contacted 2 places about sharing my book reviews there.

    I’ve gone from a 6 figure salary to the bloody dole and insanely envious of those with an income who can afford to have holidays and DO stuff. I’m worried (rather than scared) because there are no jobs locally and I’m not sure what will happen. I keep thinking things will change but they won’t unless I do something. I guess I’m slowly trying but still…
    Deborah recently posted..Book review: Killing Monica by Candace Bushnell

    • Kirsty says:

      Oh Deb, I get where you are coming from. We are very similar in that way. I want to make things work but with everything going on with Dad at the moment I’m having trouble getting any momentum. Of course it would help if I knew what I wanted to do in the first place…

  9. Lots of kisses and hugs your way for dad… I am scared that I have it all yet I feel I have nothing of what I wanted when I was younger… They say we either live in fear or in hope… Let’s look at fear in the eye and tell it to bugger off
    Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted..New lines in Woolworths

  10. Julie says:

    Thinking of you. Sorry to hear about your Dad. I agree with all of your scare factors. Hope you find your passion soon with a job. xxx
    Julie recently posted..Just Do It – Vlog number 1

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Julie. I am interested in so many things as far as my potential business goes I just need to make a decision and run with it. I’m just not very good at making decisions, especially in times of stress or strain…

  11. Such an incredibly honest post beautifully written. It sounds as if you are really doing a great job of getting up each day, doing what you have to and the fear just has to go along for the ride… it’s not stopping you… and when and if all those scary moments come to light you will deal with them with courage and grace because at any given moment we can only do what we think is the right thing at the time and roll with it. I think you are a caring thoughtful soul, you will be cared for and thought of in the same manner when each time comes. Have faith, Sandra. Xx

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks for your beautiful words Sandra. I visited Mum and Dad again today and was feeling down but reading this comment has made me feel a little better. Thank you x

  12. Oh Kirsty this post must’ve been hard, but hopefully you feel better getting it all out. I have no advice other than dont worry about turning 40, everyone I know who’s turned 40 says life begins at 40 rather than ending!
    Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted..When motherhood doesn’t go the way the baby books say it will

    • Kirsty says:

      I do hope that’s the case Toni. I know I’m silly worrying about it but with everything else going on right now it’s one of those things I just don’t have the energy to face!

  13. Thank you for sharing this Kirsty. You write beautifully, I can feel the emotion. It sounds like you have so many things going on right now, when I feel this kind of overwhelm (which is often!) I just focus on each day, just putting one foot in front of the other, as cliche as that sounds. I am very very sorry to hear about your father, and send you much love and strength for what may come xx
    Jane @ Almost Jane recently posted..We need the men.

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks so much Jane. I am just trying to get through each day right now and trying to see Mum and Dad as much as I can, while I can x

  14. I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Sounds like you’re anticipating, preparing and grieving for the big change in your life ahead. Sometimes that’s harder than when the event actually happens but it’s understandable that you’re scared. I’m sure when you’re on the verge of losing someone it’s easier to question yourself and your validity and purpose. That can all wait, just be and be there for your Mum. Many hugs xx
    Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad recently posted..Dear Mr Two

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Vicki – it’s hard to put all that other stuff to the side but I’m doing my best and trying to be there as much as I can for mum. I live 2 hours away from them so I can’t be there all the time but I am travelling to them a few times a week and supporting them through the big appointments.

  15. This is such a beautiful post Kirsty. Thanks for sharing 🙂
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit recently posted..Day 2084 – Epsom Salts

  16. Paula J says:

    So sorry about your Dad 🙁
    There are so many things in life that test us and it can all be very scary.
    Paula J recently posted..NO RULES Weekend Blog Party 141!

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Paula. Yes life can seem like one big test that never ends. Thankfully the rough patches are normally just that – rough patches – with joy and happiness in between. I’m holding onto that thought right now x

  17. I share a lot of your fears … my Dad is not in the best of health and was in hospital while we were away (the family didn’t want to worry us while we were on holiday). The hubster has just accepted a redundancy and depending on what job he gets next, we could end up anywhere! Scary times but hopefully moving onto bigger and better as far as that goes. But I will encourage you – don’t worry about being middle aged, it’s GREAT!!!
    Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted..Europe Trip 2015: How the Kids Coped Without Us

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Janet. I know it will be great but I guess with everything else going on now it’s one more thing heaped on my pile. I hope there are many exciting things ahead for you and for your husband!

  18. This is my first visit (coming from Mystery Case) and I am so inspired!
    Parent Club recently posted..#WW w linky – Summer

    • Kirsty says:

      There are so many amazing posts linked up, aren’t they? I’m honoured I’m able to host them here. Thanks so much for dropping by, hope you can return sometime soon!

  19. Rhianna says:

    Oh lovely how horribly hard for you. I know only too well how you are feeling about your dad. Sending you lots of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses. I am sorry I can’t offer any words of wisdom. Sadly this is a path that so many of us end up walking, some sooner than others, it is almost like it is one of those rites of passage in life. So much love to you my friend xxx
    Rhianna recently posted..Thankful Thursday

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Rhi. There are unfortunately no words that can ease the pain or the fear but knowing that you and so many others have my back and are there for me, that’s all I need x

  20. Zita says:

    I wish there was some wise words of wisdom I could share with you but you’ve probably heard it all before and it’s easier said than done.
    I’m so sorry to read about your dad. It’s hard to watch someone you love so dearly go through such hurt and pain knowing that there’s nothing (or very little) that you can do about it.
    All you can do is wake up tomorrow, put one step in front of the other and do what you can do… Good luck, you’re in my thoughts! Xo
    Zita recently posted..Where am I Wednesday

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Zita. Things have gotten even more challenging since I wrote this so all I’m trying to focus on now is getting up each day and doing what I can do best get through it. I hope you are still having a blast on your US adventure!!!

  21. Thanks for organizing this link up. It was quite challenging for me to write something personal. I admire you, you write beautifully about your feelings and intimate thoughts. xx cathy
    peregrinationgourmande recently posted..No One Is Reading? So I can tell you…

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks so much Cathy. I find I write best when in the grip of strong emotion which isn’t always the easiest or most convenient of things. I’m so glad you have linked up and were able to overcome the challenge of writing something very personal to you.

  22. Kirsty what a great honest post. I turned 40 in March and I can assure you it really is just a number! I’m sorry to hear about your dad, it’s really difficult to watch a loved one go through an illness. I lost my mum to cancer almost 17 years ago, four months after I got married so I understand exactly why you’re scared. I didn’t think I’d survive without her but here I am! You can’t lessen the pain but you can just breathe and remember the beautiful memories you have with him. I had to get up every day and live my life even when I didn’t feel like it…..it’s what my mum would have wanted. Hugs to you xxx
    Malinda@thestylewithin recently posted..The One With All The Feelings…..

    • Kirsty says:

      Oh Malinda, so sorry to hear you lost your Mum – it’s hard isn’t it? I know I will go on when he does leave me (I have to) but the very thought that he will have to go soon is sometimes too much to bear. Thanks for your beautiful words – I really appreciate it x

  23. So sorry to hear about your Father. It seems to me that though you are scared, it hasn’t stopped your courage to act. Keep taking action! And by the way 40 is a great age, at least I think so!
    stephanie@stephsjoy recently posted..Blog like there’s nobody reading

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Stephanie – your kind words mean a lot to me. So many people have told me 40 is great so I will hold onto that and won’t let it go!

  24. Hi Kirsty, I love your honesty in this post. I’m really sorry to hear about your Dad and the family stuff you’re going through. While I was reading this I thought, ‘Wow, I wonder what the outside world sees of Kirsty, when she has all this going on?’, and then I thought, ‘Wow, there must be so many people like this, with deep fears about what they’re doing and what’s going to become of them, all running around with a smile painted on their faces.’ Thanks for sharing this x x
    Laney @ thelaneyfiles recently posted..Apparently it’s the school holidays?

    • Kirsty says:

      I’m my own worst enemy at times – always trying to make the best of things but not always letting people see what’s really going on!

  25. I admire your candid writing, Kirsty. I can relate to many of your fears. Grief and change and unknowns. I think hope is one strange irrepressible beast. But thank goodness it’s there to keep us going.

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