I Must Confess…I’m Tired
It’s 7.17 am on a Sunday morning and I am awake, although I am still tired. I didn’t get to sleep until near midnight and I’ve been woken during the night by at least one of my kids, yet, here I am, functioning at 7 am on a Sunday morning.
There really is no such thing as a sleep-in in this house. During the week, we’re up between 6 and 6.30 am and we’re lucky to make it past 7 am on the weekends. Although I was very excited to reach 8 am one morning of these holidays – unheard of!
I’m lucky that I usually don’t have too much trouble going to sleep but I tend to go to bed too late every night – it’s the only time I can usually get things organised and done and thought of without the kids needing my attention. As such, it’s not unusual for me to fall into bed near midnight, knowing I will be up again in a mere 6 hours time…
Of course, I have been chronically tired since my kids started arriving, over 10 years ago now. The initial intense period of baby induced sleep deprivation eventually fades but you are generally then left with many years of broken sleep due to toddler awakenings, night terrors, bed-wetting and occasional bouts of sickness.
For me, there have also been those periods of depression which makes it very hard for me to still my brain enough to go to sleep in the first place. Then, with the inevitable night awakening that follows, my treacherous brain starts up again and keeps me captive to my fears through the wee hours of the morning.
At the moment, I am mentally spent, which is not due to depression or lack of sleep. I’ve felt tired and uninspired and unmotivated and restless and distracted for the last few months. My normal focus and drive have seemingly evaporated leaving me incapable and uninterested in blogging.
Ever since my stress-induced-event-that-may-have-been-a-stroke I’ve been (naturally) questioning what I am doing. Questioning what I want to do. Questioning my reason for being.
Constantly dwelling on the big questions does tend to leave you emotionally spent and unable to write about general life. I know I have felt, in a way, like a fraud for writing about the things that don’t matter while being unable to write about the things that do. But I just can’t summon the strength or the focus or the words to do much more.
It doesn’t help that I’ve also been busier than normal at work which has consumed any spare brain power that I’ve had. Juggling working at home has also been a steep learning curve. I am a lot more productive but I need to learn when to turn the computer off and leave work behind…
The ongoing uncertainty surrounding the voluntary redundancy process (of which I have applied for) is also messing with my focus and drive. Offers are due to be made soon – who knows whether I will receive an offer or not, or even what I will do if I do receive one. All I know is until offers are made and further financial information is available, I will continue to feel in limbo.
Holiday planning, household budgeting, appliance purchases (my dying oven is about to be sent to a better place 🙁 ) and general everyday life is also eroding any opportunity to blog. Those rare occasions I have time to commit my thoughts to the page, I just want to sit and not have to think at all. Hence the lack of thoughts and lack of posts from me recently…
So with all this in mind, I am going to take a blogging break, at least until I receive some resolution at work and I sort out some of the house stuff. A break away should allow me to regroup, get inspired and discover my love of writing again. Sorry to Lydia who tagged me in the “Why I Write” blogging game. I suspect if I wrote that post now, it would not be the post it should be!
I will need some volunteers to host I Must Confess for the next four weeks while I have a break. Don’t worry if the thought of hosting daunts you, I will provide the linkup code (unless you have access to your own linkup tool) and believe me, it is heaps of fun to host. I’m hoping some of my regulars will put up their hands and take turns in keeping it going for the next few weeks.
Fingers crossed I’ll re-discover my blogging mojo by then!
Thanks to everyone who has read and commented despite my lack of response or reciprocity lately – I will make it up to you, I promise!
So, for the last time for a while – tell me your confession. Are you struggling with sleep? With blogging? With life?
Join in the with best community ever – my blogging besties – for I Must Confess.
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