Facing My Demons

Drowning

 image source

There’s a little blue house opposite a park. It looks so innocuous, so peaceful, so pleasant. It is decorated in a mix of traditional and modern styles. Polished wooden floors mix with paneled walls and vibrant rugs. My eye is drawn to the soothing colours and to the warm tones around me while I wait, sitting upright, on the edge of the lounge.

I’m called in. Into a neat room, warmed by the air conditioner on the wall and by the mood lighting in the corner. There is a pack of tissues placed strategically on the table next to the main lounge. I sink into its depths, taking a deep breath and willing myself to relax.

Despite the pleasantness of my surroundings, I’m not looking forward to the next hour. It means I have to talk about myself, my worries, my fears. I have to lay my soul bare in front of the virtual stranger in front of me. Who somehow, gets through my barriers and encourages me to share the load.

I am a perfectionist, someone lacking in self-esteem and who is seemingly incapable of asking for help. I am stressed, anxious and deeply unhappy. I want to find a way to reclaim myself, to live again, rather than just merely exist.

I ramble, a jumble of confusing words and half sentences, while my eyes roam the room, trying to avoid the piercing stare of the therapist before me. Despite my best efforts, my eyes keep being drawn to hers. Perhaps it’s a semblance of my normal good manners returning or a desperate plea for help. I really don’t know.

The questions are asked in a low, soothing voice. Sometimes it takes only a simple statement for the tears to come. They fall down my cheeks, unwanted and unbidden. I can’t speak, I’m choking on my own emotions as they rise up from within me.

I take a tissue and dry my eyes, desperate to regain composure. This is hard. Harder than I thought it would be. My eyes are sore, as sore as my soul feels as it is ripped bare. Truths uncovered and revealed in all their painful glory. Reluctant confessions torn from me. Sobs wracking my body.

She gently suggests some strategies and heads off to photocopy some information. I take big, deep breaths, trying to regain my composure before I have to leave the warm room and return to the waiting stares of those in the room outside.

The receptionist has kind eyes. She is wearing the same coat that I am and I make a half-hearted attempt at a joke. Anything to distract her from my tear-sore eyes and puffy face. Although a part of me is sure that she has seen far worse…

I let myself out the door, back into the rain. The coolness of the night is a welcome relief. I suddenly feel overheated and overwhelmed. I’m not sure I’m ready to face my demons but I have to try.

The little blue house twinkles back at me in the rain. It still looks innocuous and peaceful and pleasant. The little blue house opposite the park.

As I walk away I send a silent prayer that the kind souls within it can help me face my demons once and for all….

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Joining in with IBOT, as always, hosted by the very kind and warm-hearted Jess.

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42 Responses

  1. Me says:

    Oh Kirsty, I am so glad you went. I know how difficult it is but I also know that it is worth facing those demons and dealing with them. It will be so worth it in the end.
    Have the best day that you can !
    Me
    Me recently posted..You Can Change

  2. Rhianna says:

    Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. This was beautifully written. I hope that little blue house opposite the park helps you fight you demons. xx
    Rhianna recently posted..How times change

  3. Beautifully written. I love the image that you have used, too. Thanks for sharing.
    Lisa @ Raising Explorers recently posted..Rainy Saturday at the Australian Museum | Sydney Adventures

    • Kirsty says:

      No problem Lisa – I’m trying to be open about my battle with anxiety and depression. Hoping sharing will help me as well as possibly helping others.

  4. You’ve taken the hardest step already, and I hope things get better for you. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.
    Lisa@Circle of Toast recently posted..Death By Learner Driver

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Lisa. You’re right, I suppose I have taken the hardest step in recognising and acting on my issues. I just need to continue the hard work to make some lasting change – I just wish it was easier!!!

  5. Twitchy says:

    As unpleasant as it can be, I am so pleased for you. The greater the discomfort, most likely will also become the greatest relief. I am seeing this theme emerging strongly today in those who I’ve read, and I’m also there. But I wrote about my dog today because I’m just not ready to write about it. Love and strength to you, K x
    Twitchy recently posted..Rubber Dog

    • Kirsty says:

      I had to write it out as yesterday’s session was a particularly challenging one – why does it have to be so hard? I hope you find some peace too Twitchy.

  6. Mystery Case says:

    Thinking of you. So pleased you are getting help to get you through this. Raych x
    Mystery Case recently posted..Bringing the Positives to Town starting with Facebook!

  7. Rina says:

    I am sure it is difficult at first but I am so proud of you to take that step. Sending you a big hug!
    Rina recently posted..Blogging Wisdom

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks so much Rina – I’m holding onto all the hugs and support, I’m sure they will help me through!

  8. Katyberry says:

    Congratulations on taking steps towards feeling better. I am a firm believer in the sentiment that nothing changes if nothing changes. And it sounds like you are taking really positive steps in a new and different direction that will see you reap the rewards of your bravery
    Katyberry recently posted..Dreaming a Pozible Dream

  9. kirsty mackenzie says:

    Be brave when facing those demons Kirsty, it will be well worth it to “kick them to the curb”, I could go on with a heap of encouraging quotes but I will just say, I have been through a bit and come out a much more confident person in the end. Just know you are fantastic just the way you are and only you can take the steps to a happier you, be proud of yourself for taking the first steps.

    • Kirsty says:

      Having read your post earlier this evening I am amazed at your strength and resilience and positivity. Thanks for your words of encouragement Kirsty!

  10. Sorry to hear you have been struggling. Good on you for seeking help. I wish you all the best with your recovery x
    Housewife in Heels recently posted..House warming and shop news

  11. Robomum says:

    The first step is the hardest. Now it’s done.
    This is a beautifully written post, K.
    Lots of good vibes to you X
    Robomum recently posted..The kindness of Strangers

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Robo – the first step was incredibly hard and each step is still not easy but I’m becoming more confident that I will get there, one day…

  12. Oh Kirsty… I’m not entirely sure what to say! I was captivated by the imagery and beautiful writing, but also discouraged by hearing the level of inner turmoil you are facing.
    You are so brave though, for entering that little blue house. Hope you heal quickly and wholly. xx
    EssentiallyJess recently posted..In Fear of Gastro #IBOT

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Jess. The words just came and poured out of me – that definitely does not always happen! I’m feeling more positive this week but it will not be an easy road to travel, but I’m determined to come through, in the end. Thanks for your support.

  13. Oh Kirsty that was so beautifully written, but my heart breaks a little for you. I bet it must be so hard to put your heart/soul out for someone else to see. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing, you always have my love and support xx
    Emily @ Have a laugh on me recently posted..Totally rocking gumboots on the farm – Wordless Wednesday

  14. Grace says:

    I have still yet to go to a therapy session without crying. I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.
    Sending you big hugs, my dear x
    Grace recently posted..Insights into A Family Portrait

  15. Let the tears flow, holding them in traps the pain within. Sending love for your journey that must be travlled, as at the other end of the tunnel there is light, laughter and fun. Good luck and I wish you speedy healing. xxxx
    Nikki@WonderfullyWomen recently posted..10 Easy Ways To Boost Your Willpower!

  16. Sending you ((hugs)) and love xx
    Beck/craftypjmum recently posted..May You Always Be My Baby Boy

  17. I can not imagine how hard it must be to tell a stranger your innermost thoughts. Especially when those thoughts terrify you. I wish I was as brave as you. Your courage and honesty is inspiring. And as for your writing – beautiful. This is my favourite post of the day. Good luck to you on your journey.
    Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me recently posted..Too many toys

  18. Kirsty, not only are you being brave doing this for yourself, but also for sharing here. I’m hoping that you find what it is that you need, and send you much positive energy and warm thoughts x
    Lisa@RandomActsOfZen recently posted..Week 27 of Grateful

  19. Therapy can be so helpful and so healing, in time. I definitely found that ‘the truth wills et you free. But first it will make you miserable.’
    Seana – Sydney, Kids, Food + Travel recently posted..Tiffin Tea At The Langham – Special Children’s Morning Tea for School Holidays

    • Kirsty says:

      Why are the right things always hard to do and often so painful? So glad you have found that the truth set you free – hoping it can eventually do the same for me as well Seana!

  20. Lydia C. Lee says:

    I hope now, talking about it has put it in its place. I am a firm believer that understanding what and why we do/think what we do is half the battle.
    That’s a really lovely post.
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted..Mottos to live by

  21. Rhianna says:

    I can totally see why this is your favourite post. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely, you are all kinds of awesome
    Rhianna recently posted..I must confess my favourite posts

  1. December 23, 2013

    […] prompt for this week is easy – share your favourite post for the year. I’m sharing a post today that was very painful to write yet the words just fell, almost by themselves, onto the page. […]

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