Not Quite Right

I’m not quite right.

I’m better than what I was. There’s not so much crying and the sense of panic I felt most days has eased. That’s got to be a good thing, right?

Some of my natural optimism has returned and overall I feel better than I did a few weeks ago. Which is definitely a step forward.

But I’m still not quite right.

Ray-Rhodes-Sign-of-Depression

 image source

I still wake in the middle of the night with my mind awash with worries and fears.

Each morning I rise, exhausted, and robotically follow our morning routine, moving from task to task without even thinking too much about what I’m doing. There’s no enjoyment, no sense of living in the moment.

Most days there is still a ball of anxiety sitting in my stomach. A feeling of being weighed down. Of teetering on the precipice.

I feel okay but not happy. Better but not well.

It is still early days and there is a long way to go. I know anxiety and depression do not just disappear overnight.

But I can’t wait to feel more myself. To be content and happy again. To enjoy life rather than just moving through it.

I console myself with this knowledge. At least I know where I want to go. What I want to be.

I just need to find a way to get there.

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Linking up with Grace and Miss Cinders today for FYBF and Things I Know…

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31 Responses

  1. Lydia C. Lee says:

    Poor you! Hang in there. But remember, it’s ok just to go through the motions sometime, and working with kids is the toughest gig of all, because you (not the kids) are the only one who really suffers – you buzz around like a mad thing making sure everything is ok for everyone else. Cut yourself some slack where you can, and good luck!
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted..Mother’s Day – yet another thing to divide women

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Lydia – I have been buzzing about way too much in recent times, hence why I’m feeling this way. I’ll be right in the end, I’m just impatient and want to be back to normal right now. Very frustrating to feel so far from where I want to be…

  2. Jules says:

    I could have written that word for word. At the moment, I feel like I’m existing, not living. Just remember, you are not alone. Take care & take it one day at a time. xo
    Jules recently posted..Unconscious Mutterings #59

    • Kirsty says:

      Jules, I send hugs your way too. It’s not fun, is it? If you ever need to vent or talk remember I’m here too, probably needing to do the same thing!

  3. It’s hard when you want to feel well but the rest of you just doesn’t fall into place. I had a big battle last year with feeling pretty awful due to a couple of things that crashed into my life – i got through it – it does take time – but you get through it – it can change you though … not sure if it’s good or not – i feel older and wiser, but I’d rather just feel wiser x
    Kim @ bachelormum Style recently posted..Sacred mama space

    • Kirsty says:

      Unfortunately I’ve been here before and came out feeling the same way – older and wiser. As long as I don’t come out of this looking too much older…! I suppose it frustrates me the most as I feel helpless to help myself. I want to feel better but it is beyond my control to make myself better right now. I don’t like feeling helpless…

  4. What a beautifully written, beautifully raw post. I’ve been in the throes of post partum OCD and anxiety and know the feeling well. That sensation of ‘drifting’ from one thing to the other. Not feeling like crap but not ready to kick up your heels either. I still sometimes teeter on that edge which scares me BUT things have gotten so much better. There is now happiness and joy where once there was fear. Sending out a huge amount of love and support your way. Xx
    Naomi @ Not Just A Mummy recently posted..Thankful On A Thursday: The Slow Cooker Edition

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks for your lovely words Naomi. I’m so pleased others understand what I am feeling right now – it’s so hard to put a finger on it, it’s just not quite right. So glad that you are on the other side now – I’m looking forward to eventually moving through it too!

  5. Robomum says:

    Take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it X
    Robomum recently posted..WTF is that on your head?

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Robomum – it took me a while to recognise that I needed help but I’m trying to look after myself a bit better and make some real changes in my life.

  6. Dorothy says:

    I know those feelings well… Ok is the best I can do and I am happy with that for now. If OK is the new normal, when it used to be a highlight, then I’m doing well. If OK becomes the new low and good returns, I’ll be doing even better.

    You’re doing a great job. Keep at it and don’t give up.
    Dorothy recently posted..Hold me, keep me

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Dorothy. That’s a very practical perspective to have. I need to readjust my own expectations as I may never go completely back to normal again. But that, as you say, will be okay, as long as I can get out of the low that I have fallen into. Knowing your own experience, I appreciate your wise words – thank you.

  7. Nee Say says:

    I feel this RIGHT NOW! Take care of yourself, don’t expect to much and above all don’t give up. Hope you more yourself soon xx
    Nee Say recently posted..Anatomy inequity

  8. Ness says:

    Sending you big hugs and hoping it helps to know you are not alone. I’m in exactly the same place – better, but not quite right. It’s hard, but I just keep thinking, I am never giving up on myself. Hugs.
    Ness recently posted..Fashion Fails: Bogan Style

    • Kirsty says:

      Exactly Ness – I will never give up on myself, however hard it seems. That’s the only thing that keeps me positive and convinces me that all will be well in the end. Hoping we can both find ourselves in a better place soon.

  9. The fact that you have some hope and know where you are going is progress. In the depths of depression, it is easy to think that we will never get better. Hang in there xx
    Michelle Holland recently posted..Reality – Shit with a side of turd

    • Kirsty says:

      I certainly feel better now than I did a month or two back – back then I just felt completely overwhelmed and unable to cope or see any way out. So there has been progress – I just have to remain patient and keep working hard to get myself in a better place.

  10. Mystery Case says:

    I think I could have written this post word for word too this week. I’ve actually given myself the rest of the year off to get back on track health wise because my lack of health is starting to affect my mental health as well.

    Sending you lots of hugs. xx
    Mystery Case recently posted..Having a Hoot of a Time with this Giveaway!

    • Kirsty says:

      So sorry to hear that but I have been thinking about you too and wondering how you were going. I’m not going to be blogging as much either – only when the mood strikes and when I get the opportunity. Hoping that concentrating on getting yourself healthy again will get you back on track – take care of yourself Raychael.

  11. I hope you have a great support network Kirsty. I have been to that place and know how important it is to have people around (but not butting in) who are aware of what is happening. That includes professional help as well.
    The fact you are going through the motions each day is a good sign. You are still functioning. It doesn’t feel like a great thing as there is no joy to it, but it is.
    I hope you start to come out to the other side soon and begin to see the little joys slowly by slowly until they build to excitement and fun.
    Becc @ Take Charge Now
    Take Charge Now recently posted..Every last morsel

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Becc. It’s good to know that I am not alone in this – thanks for your valuable words of support!

  12. Shari says:

    It’s a place I visit too. Always here to talk if you need an understanding ear. Just be easy on you xxx

  13. Grace says:

    I’ve noticed you’ve been a little quiet in the blogosphere lately. I hope you start to feel better soon. Sending big hugs x
    Grace recently posted..Facebook Lovin’ Sunday – 12/05

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Grace. I’m still around, just taking it a little easier while I sort myself out. Hoping to be well on the way to recovery soon.

  14. I feel for you Kirsty, but glad that you’re being kind to yourself and accepting that it won’t go away over night, baby steps. Thinking of you – Em x
    Emily @ Have a laugh on me recently posted..Guess who met Richard Branson today?

  1. May 24, 2013

    […] I wrote a few weeks ago, I’m still not quite right and while I am functioning, I’m still not really living. I’ve been able to make some […]

  2. October 9, 2014

    […] Not Quite Right […]

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