Ups and Downs

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Life is a funny thing isn’t it?

You have the perfect moments and the days where nothing can go wrong. Where sunshine pours out of places where it definitely shouldn’t. Days you imprint on your mind just because they were so damn good.

Then, you have those moments of despair where your soul sinks to the bottom of your boots. The days where nothing goes right and you feel useless and powerless and alone.

Lately I have been veering back and forth on a see saw of emotions. There is so much going on right now and I am struggling to process it all and move forward. The highs have been heightened and the lows have definitely been deepened.

Of course there are lots of reasons for this. Work has been demanding and the stress of extra responsibility is grinding me down. Then there’s the house build and the endless tooing and froing between us and the builder and the imminent stress of applying for finance all over again (please let it work out this time…)

The strain of coordinating a raft of after-school activities (dancing, netball, music, speech and swimming) is also taking it’s toll. And then there’s the blog, the place I love and where I seek solace at the end of my busy days, which is instead, slowly starting to represent even more stress and obligation.

But the highs and lows are most pronounced when I look at my two big kids, Gilbert and Matilda.

Gilbert is doing so well. I know I have mentioned this a few times now but I am so amazed at how settled he is and how mature he is becoming in dealing with others. Transitioning him to mainstream was the best decision we ever made and he is thriving this year, now he has had a year to adjust to the change and find his place at school.

I feel as though I can finally start letting out the breath I’ve been holding in for 2 years now – it seems Gilbert has finally found his place.

On the other hand, I am growing so worried for my big girl, Matilda. On the outside she too seems settled and happy. She is doing well at school –  her reading has improved greatly – and she is going off happily each day and participating in school activities like dancing and netball.

However, a closer look shows that there are subtle signs that her anxieties seem to be increasing on a daily basis. Her sensory sensitivities are becoming more marked – her chewing is increasing, she is struggling to cope with the noise of class, her bursts of anger are growing, her behaviour at home is deteriorating and her toileting issues have returned.

It’s heartbreaking to watch her struggle in this way. And however hard I try to tease out her worries and concerns, I cannot work out why.

It seems so unfair that Gilbert is thriving while Matilda is struggling. The ups and the downs of life can be tough sometimes when it feels wrong to celebrate the highs while dealing with the worry of the lows.

I just hope we can get to the bottom of Matilda’s stress and anxiety sooner rather than later.

All I want is for her to be settled and happy too.

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Linking up with Jess for IBOT.

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28 Responses

  1. Me says:

    I’m sad to hear that your days seem to be so busy right now. And even more sad to hear that blogging is become stressful and obligatory. You should be blogging because it adds to your life and enriches it. Why not consider taking some time off from blogging and come back later, refreshed and enthused ? I know that there is nothing worse than feeling like you HAVE to get a post out for a linky when you feel like you have nothing. Or maybe look at posting less frequently.
    And please know – I am not suggesting you give up blogging because I don’t want to read you anymore, I love your blog, but seriously think about it so that you can have the time to do what you need and concentrate on what you need to do to help Matlida.
    Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive energy !
    Me
    Me recently posted..One Word

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks so much! I have thought about taking a break but I have decided to consciously try to blog less as I still need this outlet – but I’ll re-evaluate as I go. It’s a rough patch but we’ll get through it. We always do…

  2. Pip says:

    Sorry to hear you’ve so many ups and downs. I’ve decided it’s the lot of parents as some days they track so smoothly and other days it all goes up the creek. Kate from Our Little Sins said exactly the same thing about blogging and decided to shut the door. I guess it’s like anything creative – sometimes it seems to flow effortlessly, other times you feel obligated. Hopefully you find a way to balance it. Hope also some light is shed on Matilda’s struggle xx
    Pip recently posted..Best Woman Speech DONE!

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Pip. My first priority is my kids and family and I’m hoping starting OT again will help Matilda in the short term. I’ll keep blogging for the moment as I really do love it, it’s just some days it is hard to find motivation after a long and demanding day!

  3. You poor thing, I can’t imagine how stressful this must be for you, worrying about Matilda and then having everything else to deal with too. I hope you find the answers soon, and not just that but solutions that can work for you and the family. Sending big virtual hugs your way XXX

    #teamIBOT was here!
    Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions recently posted..18 Weeks and Counting… A Pregnancy Update

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Kylez. We’re going to be returning to OT to try and manage her sensory issues and I’m hoping taking blogging a bit slower will help me cope with it all while we bed things down. We’ll get there in end, just have to get through this rough patch first…

  4. Oh Kirst – that must be heartbreaking to see and deal with. You have such a busy life, I really don’t know how you fit it all in. I’m sure you will be able to help Matilda through it with your love and understandings. Big hugs xx Em

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Em – to be honest I’m not sure how I do it either. I just have to keep going for them – that’s all I can do.

  5. Rhianna says:

    You are such a wonderful mother putting so much care and thought into your children’s well being. Sorry to hear that things have been a bit tough of late. I hope that you get to the bottom of Matilda’s stress. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses for you both lovely
    Rhianna recently posted..Buttons, buttons, buttons!

  6. Zita says:

    Hopefully a day come soon when the highs far outweigh the lows… All the best.
    Zita recently posted..for week 3 weigh in…

  7. This sounds like a very difficult time, on all of you
    It’s hard work being a parent on the best of days, on the worst of days it is ten times harder
    Sending you lots of light and prayers xx
    Josefa @always Josefa recently posted..Immortality

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Josefa. It will be okay, I know it will, it will just be a little rough getting there. Thanks for the light and the prayers!

  8. You have a lot on your plate. Lovely to hear that your son has found his place. Let’s hope Matilda finds things less stressful soon too.
    Kaz @ Melting Moments recently posted..Toddler’s Seek and Find: fun apps for little people

  9. Janet says:

    My Dad tells me we will worry about our kids even when they are in their 40’s, married, with kids of their own!
    Janet recently posted..10 Marriage Tips

  10. Robomum says:

    Best of luck with your little one. I hope you sort things out sooner rather than later X
    Robomum recently posted..Gaming? No judgement.

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Robomum. We are going to take more proactive steps to help her so I’m hoping we can see some positive results sooner rather than later.

  11. Shari says:

    Oh Kirsty – I’m sending much love your way with lots of extra hugs for Matilda too. If it’s any consolation at all, I’ve found with my big boys when one is thriving, the other tends to mark a bit of time and it’s a see-sawing pattern. It’s great that Matilda is enjoying her extracurricular activities and hopefully the joy she has there will help her settle into school as the term progresses.
    As a busy Mum, please remember to take some time for nurturing YOU xx
    Shari recently posted..I confess to being a crap TV junkie

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Shari. I’m not the best at looking after myself but I am trying to be better at it, in between everything else!!!

  12. Alicia says:

    I hope you can sort it out. All kids are different. My first born has aspergers, although young, the next two are totally different, and are able to cope with different, independent situations. Janets comment is true though, I still worry about my 20 year old boy, and will for a long while yet! 🙂
    Alicia recently posted..Beach bums

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Alicia – it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. And I know I’ll worry about them for the rest of my life – I am a natural worry wort, after all!

  13. Rina says:

    You’ve got a full plate right now dear, take a deep breath and step back for awhile. I think once we become a parent, worrying all the time for our children is one of the lifetime job description 🙂 I am sending a lot of good vibe for you and family.
    Rina recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Relax

    • Kirsty says:

      Thanks Rina. I’m trying to slow down and take it all one step at a time. Fingers crossed things will get better and get easier for us all sometime soon.

  14. Rita says:

    It’s a stressful situation for a mum I can imagine… I guess they are at different stages of their life. Sending you positive virtual thoughts to you and your family.
    Rita recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – It’s the tomato sauce time!

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